Think about the last time you were mad or sad.  Did you blame those feelings on someone else? (“Jane made me furious.”) Did you talk yourself out of your feelings based on what someone else might say or think? (“I have to act like nothing’s wrong because my boss will not like it if I am upset.” Or, “I have to act happy because I don’t want my child to see me sad.”)

The next time you feel mad or sad, tell yourself it is OK to feel all of your feelings. Own your feelings. Feelings are not good or bad, they just are. You feel mad or sad because you (for many different possible reasons) are reacting to some situation. Spend some time deciding what is the best way for you to deal with those feelings.

• Can you reframe the situation and make it possible to react differently?  “John didn’t call me; he just doesn’t care about me.” is a frame that may keep you feeling mad or sad. “John didn’t call me; maybe he’s dealing with an important problem.” is a different frame that could steer you toward reaching out to him or just being patient for a while longer.

• Can you talk out your feelings with someone? Letting the steam out of the kettle can be helpful and prevent actions you might regret later.

• Can you put your thinking cap on and problem-solve the situation you are reacting to?  What can I do to deal with my feelings in a safe, effective way?