Criticizing children by name-calling is like putting big sticky labels on their foreheads.  When we tell them they are mean, sneaky, fat, or stupid, they believe us.  When lots of people around them (teachers, relatives, neighbors) call them these names also, their belief even deepens. They begin to act out what these names say.  They bully people, lie, eat unhealthy foods, and stop trying in school.  Name-calling is harmful.

I know that sometimes labels are meant to be endearing, but we must remember that children take things at face value.  They aren’t good at figuring out “what is meant.”  I remember explaining to my daughter that we would be meeting a family friend whose name was Mrs. Green. When she was older, she told me she fully expected to meet a lady with green skin.  I know we call kids names many times with a loving/playful tone of voice and don’t intend it to be critical (“My sweet little devil.”) but the child’s brain may be just reacting to what they know the words to mean, not what is intended.

I’ve proven the power of name-calling many times in my classes. I have the adults in my classes put a strip of paper around their foreheads and attach a small card on it with one word.  Everyone in the class can see everyone else’s word but can’t see their own word.

I ask them to plan a party or organize a cleanup crew and treat each other as though the forehead words were true without ever saying the actual word to each other. Some words are complimentary, and some are not.

The group members avoid giving any important tasks to the one with the word “irresponsible.” (I guess that person will never learn to be responsible because he won’t be given a chance.)  The “shy” one is not asked to greet the guests, and the “dishonest” one is not given access to the money. (So, one will not ever get over her shyness, and the other won’t ever be able to prove he has learned his lesson about dishonesty.) The “funny” one is asked to entertain, and the “organized” one is asked to keep the records.  (So, they will both get even better at what they are already good at.)

After a few minutes, I ask each person to guess what his or her word is.  Amazingly, most can. With just this little, pretend experience, adults figure out the label and know how they are viewed by others and are expected to act. If adults are this easily influenced with such a short, not even real, experience imagine how easy it is for a child to believe and act exactly like we tell them to with our labels.

My daughter’s pediatrician always said that “Kids are what they wear.” When kids came into his office wearing t-shirts with sayings on them like “I’m a little terror,” “Princess,” etc., they acted just like their shirt said 98% of the time – another example of why we need to choose our words carefully with children. Labels stick with them for long periods of times, sometimes even from childhood into adulthood.