Using overpowering or lacking discipline styles is not good for children.

There are two styles of overpowering discipline: Too strict and Demeaning.

Rules that are too strict are quickly set, perhaps because your parents used them and that is what quickly comes to mind. Often, they are rules for the sake of rules. They have not been carefully thought through to be sure they match the current child or current circumstances. For example, to set a curfew for a child without any consideration of the maturity of the child and the self-control he has exhibited in his choices overall. Or without any consideration of what events will be occurring related to the curfew. The goal is a rule that keeps the child safe, not a rule for the sake of a rule. That takes some time and discussion to figure out.

Rules that are demeaning are ones that criticize the child, use sarcasm, or invite the child to fail. For example, a rule saying, “You never do what you’re supposed to. I don’t trust you, so the rule is ….” This type of rule sets the stage for the child to feel inferior and invites the child to fail.

There are two styles of lacking discipline: Permissive and Unavailable.

Permissive rules are those that make excuses for a child; do not hold a child accountable; defer so much to the child’s desires that they are not keeping the child safe or teaching enough self-control for the child to become a well-functioning adult. For example, a child is given too much freedom and if the child gets in trouble, excuses are made for the child, and no consequences are enforced.

Unavailable rules are just as they sound. This type of discipline happens when a parent is not available physically or mentally to determine that the child needs rules to protect him. Thus, the child has no guidance or guardrails.