Once school starts, your children interact with many different people in many different situations, both at home and at school. Aggression is an important thing to know about. What happens when children are aggressive or kind, mean or helpful, or hesitant or adventuresome? It shapes the type of person they will become – bullies, kind caregivers, risk takers, problem solvers, loners, people lovers, etc.

How many times have you seen this at home?  One of the kids, you, or another adult in the house seems to want to pick a fight.  We have all both felt it and experienced it.  There are so many possible explanations.

• Pent up emotions from things that happened away from home that day (at school or work, for example) need to be dealt with–it’s like letting steam escape from a tea kettle.  Sometimes this even gets directed at the pets in the house– Buddy is mean to the dog because he wasn’t able to stand up for himself with someone at school.

• It’s the way a person has learned to get attention. No attention for a human being, can be worse that bad attention.

• A person has saved up “gripes” that she hasn’t talked about or dealt with over many days, weeks or even months.  The gripes start coming out in all sorts of ways that may or may not be really connected to the original gripe.

I remember these times well in my household.  I would be overly careful and “walk on eggs” to avoid any conflict because I knew it would end up in a big fight. Or I did just the opposite.  I would get aggressive too and go ahead and have the fight to get it over with.

Anything we can do to help children recognize these types of situations will help them learn to get along well with others. Children can understand that Mommy or Daddy need time alone because they are upset about something.  Children can learn to sense their own “mean” or “want-to-fight” feelings inside of them.  They can be taught to name their feelings and talk about them.  They can learn ways to control their feelings and to use their brains to think what to do even when they are mad or sad or happy or scared.

At the earliest ages, you can start with pictures of faces that show these emotions and play games with children that will help them use pictures to recognize all sorts of feelings.  Once children can name things, they have another way to deal with what happens in their lives.  They won’t have to only cry, whine, hit, bite, or use their hurtful muscles. They will be able to explain, talk, ask, plead, yell, etc. – words give them another way to release the steam.

However, words are not usually enough to get feelings out of your system. Other acceptable physical ways that don’t hurt things or people are also necessary. Children can’t usually figure those ways out for themselves. You need to show them. Give them something they can hit and beat on (pillows, drums, a bat and ball, a football to kick, etc.). Give them opportunities to run, lift and climb in order to use physical energy. Oh, and by the way, remember that girls experience aggression too. It’s not just a boy-thing.

What good ideas do you have for how to teach this to your children?